About Being a Mother

My perspective on what kind of mother I’d be has changed a lot since I was a little girl. I never was the type of girl that instantly replied “mother” when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up. I always said things like, teacher, or writer, or for most of my life, lawyer.

When I was in high school, I determined that I didn’t want to be a wife and mother, and I’d much rather be a politician. Part of me felt that way, but mostly I was making up for some insecurities I felt about just not being good enough for that lifestyle.

When I got to college and starting dating seriously, I realized that the mother dream was something I really did want. More than a career, or even heaps of degrees and education. When I got married I had dreams of staying home to raise a family.

Now that I’m getting close to actually having a family, things have changed a little. I don’t know when I’ll get to stay home with my family, or if I ever will. Daniel’s medical condition combined with his choice of career makes it difficult to forsee when I won’t need to work in order to keep current health insurance.

At first, I really struggled with this. I had grown up thinking that it just wasn’t possible to raise a family properly if the mom wasn’t home. Now I’m going to be one of those moms that just isn’t there all the time. Daniel and I seem to have worked out an arrangement where he will be home most of the time, while taking a few mornings a week for school. I am grateful that at least one of us will be able to be home with the baby all the time, but at the same time, I feel guilty because it’s not me.

I have a lot of fears about being a working mom. I want to breastfeed, but I know it’s difficult to keep a good supply when you are working full-time and having to pump most of the time. But, my biggest concerns are about the attachment I’ll have to my daughter. Will she know that I’m her mom? How many milestones will I miss out on? Will she think that I don’t love her as much as other moms who get to stay home all the time?

I am sure that most of these fears I have will be resolved once the baby is here and we’ve worked out a routine. And, I know that everything will work itself out, even if the situation isn’t ideal.